March 6, 2012

• God is Not a Passive-Aggressive Lover

  OK, fine, that was an odd title for a post. But you know, your face is odd, and I don’t bring that up (too many times) do I?

  Disclaimer: I’m on a thin string. 

  So yes. Insanity is ensuing. Usually, the kids start getting antsy at 3.5 weeks. Teachers start losing it at 4 weeks. It is currently 5.5 weeks into a no-break stretch and we’ve got 1 whole week left to go. Things are looking pretty hairy here in the Valley. At least I can count on blue skies and a desk next to a wall-length window. That is nice. I also have my “Work Music” playlist going in the background now. That is usually a Last Resort. It’s working. There’s not too much the gang of Handel, Holst, Vivaldi, and Satie can’t handle. Throw in some Beethoven, Puccini and a dash of Dvorak and Warlock and you’ve got a winner. I’m tempted to put giant headphones on my head, lock the doors, shut off the lights, and glare at people who knock. 

  So it seems to me that God takes advantage of times when I am already down to make me do things that I think are pretty mean. The only reason I don’t consider it being like someone shining a magnifying glass at an ant’s back leg and laughing when it runs around is because… well, because I love Him and I know He’s not like that. 

  But sometimes…

  Take the Holy Spirit. I mean, I think He’s swell and all, but sometimes I wish He’d leave me alone. Let me indulge in peace. Recently, He’s informed me that maybe I should stop liking Jason Statham (I like him for his talent, ok?!) so much, especially since his movies feature blah blah blah blah blahblahblah blah that isn’t too edifying or even decent. (See, I edited out that whole section for you discretionary readers.) 

  And when things like that happen, a series of things happen pretty consistently. This is how I respond:
  (a) I say, “OK. I guess it doesn’t mean that much to me. Sure.”
  (b) I proceed to think about life without x, y, z. It’s not that bad. In fact, maybe it’s better.
  (c) I think, “Wait a minute. Aren’t I being legalistic here? Can I really do this myself? Isn’t this setting myself up for disaster? Hasn’t this happened before? I mean, can’t I exercise moderation?” 
  (d) I get upset. Why does Jesus want to ruin my life?
  (e) I “scripture-nuke” myself and say, Is not life more than food/movies/whatever? What worth is it if you gain the whole world…
  (d) I get upset again. Because it seems like Jesus is saying, “Don’t you love me? I mean, you don’t have to, but if you loved me, you would.”
  (e) I say, “Of course I love you.”
  (f) I remember that Jesus is not a passive-aggressive lover.
  (g) I heave a big sigh, feel the burden lift off, and laugh at my foolishness, and remember who Jesus really is. 
                 (i)  the One who saved me from myself countless times.
                 (ii) the One who loves little babies.
                 (iii) the One who had a real smile and a real hug.
                 (iv) the One who literally saved me from crashing and burning. 
                 (iii) the One who knows every bit of my soul and loved me and died for me anyway.
  (h) I say goodbye to Jason Statham. (Hehe. Or whatever else it might be.)

  If I learned anything from my experiences in life the past few months, it’s that I am very stubborn, very rebellious, very skeptical of love, and a host of other things I’d rather not bare to the world right now. 

  Anyway. Whatever the case is, there is nothing too precious to me above my love for God. I want to lose more and more of the ties that binds me to the things of this world. At this point, He’s got me wrapped up, bound up, and intertwined. Without Him, I am nothing.  

  Back to ze work!

   

  • 12:45 pm
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