December 9, 2008
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Weak
I cried today.
And by cry, I mean a few wet things escaped (with a struggle) from my eyes for a total of about 15 seconds. OK, maybe 10.
I am admitting this now because I have to remind myself that I am capable of this. I've trained myself for so long to keep these things in that even today, a few "leaks" were all I needed. I begged them to retreat and they did.
I've been quoted once as saying, "Tears are weakness." I will say that I don't believe this is true, while admitting that I still hold to this. I hate tears. This spasm of uncontrollability. I even hate that word. Uncontrollable. That word in itself rolls out unpredictably, irregularly, uncomfortably. But even as the tears retreat on command, they do not return even when bidden. Strange things, they are.
So I come here. This is my outlet. These words are what leap out of me, soaking me, shaking me.
But this is my solace. My comfort. Often I "conference" with myself, the words not written, but there all the same. Is that strange, this conferencing with the self? This socratic question-and-answer session that involves only one party?
I've never been so heartbroken at this kind of situation before. The words fighting to be the first to come, while the floodgates kept my watery insults at bay.
I am sad.
But life has already moved on. Someone else's tears have already been shed.
They say bad things come in threes. Today was not a three. There are fours and fives, sixes under rugs of kids in the boys' dorm, sevens and eights, nines and tens, elevens whispered about in dean's council, twelves and thirteens... and on and on. Tonight though, I am thinking about the one, who almost made me cry all by herself. And the two, who spun my world off its axis for a whole twenty minutes almost. It is still recovering. The world will not be the same. And three who completely unexpectedly opened up the floodgates but not before I turned around after telling him I loved him "no matter what, ok?" (I think it's necessary to insert here that this was addressed to a student whose story I can't tell right now...) But I didn't expect two and three to ambush me at once and do me in. And four is coming around the bend but that is a story I don't even want to think about.
But now I am ok. I looked for the stars today but they are gone.
No, not gone.
I told my girls one day that just because you can't see the sun, doesn't mean it's not there. Just because all you see are clouds doesn't mean you should lose faith in what you know is beyond.
So somewhere out there, Orion is burning intensely in the sky. Somewhere out there, Cassiopeia is hanging just where she always has this time of night, this time of year. I however, am grateful for the clouds tonight. I will choose to see them as a comfort, shielding me from the ever-rotating moon that reminds me that time has already spun on.
And all in all, there is still the Rock of Ages, cleft for me, as steady and as safe as ever.
Comments (10)
Sounds like you've been through the war, Jensa. I am glad you cried, but not glad you had to go through a time where you couldn't see the stars. But you are a woman of faith, knowing they still shine brightly. Don't let your light go covered for too long. I'm still here, too, even when you can't see me. Love, from your friend, Luey
I ditto Luey.
Pat pat. Pat pat. Engulfing hug from huge polar bear.
@sunnystarfish @peanutluey -
- thanks guys. I really appreciate your friendship(s?). How come friendship is so difficult to pluralize? Are we all just united into just one big fat friend? i'll be ok. these things always come and go. that is life, right? i just want to document this so there's proof of my dips. the sun'll come out... but not tomorrow, apparently (100% chance of rain, or just about, they say.)
I am sorry you have had to go through such pain. May the Comforter shine to you through the thickest clouds. I don't know if the stars are out yet for you to see, but I will pray you see them soon. He knows when sparrows fall to the ground and when cows or dogs carry a burden that is just too heavy for them to bear alone. --Ray
@greatgrandpadog - thankyouray. I appreciate your consistent support. the sun (and stars, and moon) have come out, and i had a great time breathing it all in today. God is good, constant, and just positively overwhelming.
There is someone out there like me! I cried so much as a child that I unconsciously decided that I did not want to cry anymore. I only cried in private or in church. I always thought it showed I was weak. But all it shows is that I dishonest because I'm lying on the outside about what I feel on the inside. I still don't cry in front of people outside of boyfriends and the immediate family and church, but I feel that when I do cry in front of others, that'll symbolize an emotional wall being knocked down!
awwww.....unni.....i wish i had read this before i saw you, then i would have smothered you more with my hugs! but here's more just because i didn't get enough in before we parted. here you go. *SMOTHERINGhugs*
If school doesn't consume me entirely, I'm gonna try not to leave xanga all together 
and btw, as you have clarified as much as u hate it...tears are most def not weakness. b/c I'm a "ool-bo" >__<
Anyhoo, b/c of the fb hype, i nearly forgot about xanga until we talked about it this past wknd! so i decided to visit it. And wow! it's changed
So, it was SOOOO very good to see you this past wknd! I need to figure out a way to get more of JenSongness and not just one short wknd at a time. I won't complain since i at least got to get a piece of you this wknd. ^0^ But we must plan our next randezvous.... pleeease?
@CutiECoReA - hehe. it's ok sarah. thanks. i need to update so my last entry isn't so morose.
Hope you are having a good holiday season.
ryc: Yes, it is easy to forget.
dude, i'm glad i read your more recent posts before this one. this one was sad. :( and while i obviously don't understand entirely what you're going through, Jesus does...and He cares...more than you. hope you can find comfort in that. i love you!
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