May 11, 2009

  • Good Time

    Man alive, I love my job.

    Just when I think things are getting way over my head, Christ pulls through in His good time.

    Burdens that I didn't even think were there are lifted up. How did He know to take care of those? He knows. I am grateful. Really grateful.

    I want to go out for a run but it's 9pm now and I'm not sure if that's the best idea.

    I spent the entire evening with some of my kids. Man ALIVE, I'm going to miss them over break. And I don't even want to think about how much I'm going to miss my Seniors. Especially my boys. I don't want to think about that. But time is nearing. I don't know how long I can keep seeing them being torn from me year after year.

    I suppose I'll have to learn.

    Got a major dose of some high-quality, unadulterated endorphins tonight. Laughed a lot. I REALLY want to go for a run. I'm not sure exactly what's holding me back save me being wary of the neighborhood (yeah, it's in VIRGINIA, but the fear of the 'hood' from growing up in Brooklyn has never left me) and the fact that it's late and I'll need to sleep soon. But tonight was fun.

    The kids are doing surprisingly well after Daisy passed away. In this sense, I am grateful that my foresight was not completely accurate. They are doing well, helping when they can, and being able to talk about it. I am relieved... a large part of my own concerns were for them. So me... I think I'm ok too. I suppose the edge of that blade gets a little easier to endure after a while.

    But I'm still... yeah. Is it strange that I avoid going to funerals? Unless bound by certain unavoidable obligations, I try to opt out. I've only been to one open casket funeral and I don't have much recollection of it. I'm not even sure I looked in. I'm not sure I want to think about it enough to understand why I do this... death is a mystery my brain shies away from. If I could plan... nevermind. I'm starting to get morbid.

    I'm sneezing like crazy. I'm certain it has to do with the cinnamon donut holes I bought for my kids. Usually when I bring my love gifts like that, I don't have any myself. But those were good. And maybe I'm not used to all that sugar. Time to wean myself back off it. My histamines are killing me. I don't like that I can't think straight.

    I love these kids. They are so great... and I... I've given myself over to them. Completely. Their love is enough. I'd completely do all this for free. Maybe even pay to do it. Just to be with them. I'm crazy. They are starting to eat away at some of my 'personal borders' that I drew up and I don't care. I love that they know that they can call me at 9:30pm and cry.

    And as I point them to Christ, they are in their own way, pointing me to Him. Reminding me that His love for me is so much greater than my love for them, these temporary students put in my charge. They reveal to me that the way I forgive their mistakes and their faults, God can and does forgive mine. I am reminded daily that He loves me "no matter what" like I tell these guys all the time. And mean it.

    I am entranced by His beauty, His graciousness, His patience, and His love. I am completely taken. And I know that even in this degree, I am only experiencing a small portion of all He is. This is what first drew me to this amazing God: His enduring and all-encompassing love for me. Just because. And without any take-backs or requests for reciprocation. Just because. And I don't have to do a single thing. It's what awakened something I had left for dead years ago. And now this love drives me.

    He is the fairest of ten thousand. My bright and morning Star. The center of my orbit.

    O for a thousand tongues to sing my great Redeemer's praise...

    Thanks, Lord, for a full day today. I'm going to need to remember this for those low days.

    I think I'm going to put "write a poem about dahlias" on my Dream List. Not because I can pound one out in 5 mintues, but because I can't. (There's a long story behind that.) How're your Dream Lists going? Another one of mine is to go see the Northern Lights. I've wanted to see an aurora ever since I was a kid.

    What are we without our dreams? What are some of yourn? =)