September 27, 2010

• TH Diaries: The Continuing Saga

  I always used to think of running as punishment.  I'm gradually trying to get past that...  not until recently did I even realize it was part of me.  I remember being forced awake at 5am to go for 2-mile long jogs.  (We called them jogs, but they were runs.)  I hated every minute.  Every one.  Every day of it.  Once, I woke up and pretended to go to the bathroom.  I was so exhausted, I laid out some towels on the floor and tried to lie down on them.  Two minutes later, I can hear my father calling me from his bedroom: "What are you doing in there?!!"  And then we'd go out and I'd have to suffer my sister and my father criticizing my jogging form.  I've been self-conscious about it ever since.  Until recently.  

  And can someone tell me an objective, peer-reviewed, standardly accepted difference between 'jogging' and 'running'?  All I can come up with is that it's subjective, or something about miles per minute, which is always debated.  For me, running is what you do when a giant open-jawed crocodile is coming after you.  Jogging is what you do... whenever else.  I have much to redefine in my mind, I know.  

  I met a goal today.  That's crazy, considering where I've come from.  Really, I mean....  crazy.  And I'm pretty happy about it.  

  Mondays are supposed to be the time I can dedicate the longest to running.  But daylight is getting sparse.  It's already pretty dark out, and it's just a little past 7.  Considering I don't get home most days (earliest) until 6, things are not looking good.  Am I the only one with a regular job around here?  Feels like it sometimes...  although I wouldn't call what I have a regular job.  Calling someone a pansy in my mind ("Welcome to my EVERYDAY life, PANSY!") if they complain about a single 10 hour workday doesn't seem normal.  

  I didn't have to consult Oksana once today.  That's right.  Met my goal, and she just sat back on her heels and watched.  

  

  No, that's not how I imagine her to look like.  

  Maybe it's because she was out of my mind today, but I was thinking.  I was with a student today, and normally, I'd spend as much time as he or I wanted...  going over proofs and laws of syllogisms...  Inverses and Contrapositives...  all night until he or I started suffering from malnutrition and I'd take him/her/everyone to Burger King for a meal since they missed dinner.  Today, I got antsy.  I knew my time window.  I ushered him away after we got the first principle down pat.  Tomorrow, I assured him.  

  This isn't what I wanted.  This isn't what I want.  But it is.  It is!  I am starting to like the feeling of the wind going through my hair, the sound of my breathing, the feel of my lungs.  Closing my eyes and just doing.  

  It had rained all day today, and although I woke up with the intention of going out no matter what, the resolve was starting to ebb.  If this is teaching me anything, it's to propel myself forward before I can change my mind.  My friend told me in the middle of the day (she lives in the same state that I do) that she had just run in the rain.  I thought, well, shoot.  I think I saw an article on this on the blog, "Stuff White People Like."  Something about going for a run in the rain. 

  I'm not white.

  Well, neither is she. 

  There's a track nearby my place, and the circuit (if done right) is just a hair under 5K.  Keep in mind that I'm still relatively under-conditioned.  As I got out of my car, I just looked at the road and made sure I hit it running.  And I did.  It had stopped raining, and the air was almost pleasant.  I had a jacket on and it was almost too hot for it.  

  I'm not counting miles.  I'm not counting breaths.  I'm not counting minutes.  I'm not even counting pounds being shed.  I'm just going.  To see how much I can do.  Just to see.  Just to know.  Just to try.  I'm not thinking of Indians, or red skirts, or sandals, or form.  I'm remembering that there's this dude who won a bajillion (I'm pretty sure that's the number) marathons and he ran "like a fish flopping on a deck."  Shoot, if he can do it...

  So about those kids and what I want.  I realize I have a job that comes first and foremost.  Before my dreams of a 5K, a 10K, or a 26.2 miler come my kids.  Those precious souls I've poured my heart out for.  So for now, this is a hobby, a form of fitness.  Especially as winter comes (already the trail is marked with reds and oranges) it'll be harder and harder for me to do this leave-school-early business.  Maybe winter will be home fitness and endurance-building.  I'm definitely not giving up on this. 

  I took out the trash today.  Didn't change out of my clothes, but just slipped on a pair of flip-flops.  

  You know, I think I might become a fan of the barefoot running.  Seriously, I tried running back to my door after putting it on my curb, and I totally felt my form shift.  It's crazy.  I mean like NUTS crazy.  I considered that I'd been lied to my entire life about what proper running was and what a proper running shoe looked like.  

  Anyway, first things first.  Lots to do, little time.  Many milestones today.  First one, even before running my goal, was that I left work at 6:15 and I did not feel guilty.

   

  • 7:42 pm
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