Do you think maybe the picture of the triangles in my previous post scares people away?  Maybe.  Maybe.  I still like them.  

Gratuitous faceball picture.  Because life can be a pain sometimes.  

I was thinking this morning.  Epiphanizing, is more like it.  I was kneeling on my little prayer rug, having my morning chat with God, and I remember saying, "Thanks, God, for all you do..."  Nothing special, really.  Just a small praise.  You know, for sustaining me, keeping me, et cetra [sic].  

Because I mean, for reals, God is doing so much.  When I try to break it down, I realize how dependent I am on His wisdom to uphold me.  He is so my anchor that it's hard for me to see life the way I used to.  And it used to be pretty dismal. 

So I was praying, "Thanks, God, for all you do..." and that word echoed in my mind.  Do...  

And I considered it.  Does God love me for what I do?  Certainly, there are some lovable things that I might do that may be pleasing to Him, but the heart of Christianity (Protestant, anyway) is that we are saved solely by grace, and "that not of ourselves."  (Ephesians 2:8)  (And if I really consider it, the things that I do that are very NOT lovable far outweigh the former things.)  We are loved by God, not because of what we do, but because...  because He just loves us.  If it were based on our actions, this generation would not exist to move too fast to enjoy the life we're living.  We are His image, His children, His.  This love is without merit.  It has not been bought.  In the beginning and in the end, we are made just and righteous completely apart from what we have done.  It is because of what He has done. 

Because of this, we can be comfortable in the God who works.  The God who works for us, does things for us, died for us, rose for us, and reigns for us.  But all that aside, is this love one-sided?  Is God to love us for who we are, and we to love God for what He does for us?  Sure, I've thanked God because of who He is, but what does that mean?  Can I love Him when He does things, and when He does not?  When He answers my prayers the way I want, and when He doesn't?  When He makes Himself feel close by, and when He doesn't?  When He seems to merit it or not?  

I think faith, as it matures, recognizes that trust and confidence necessarily entails a love for God as who He is, not just what He does.  I am remembering Job, who cried out even in his anguish, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." (Job 13:15)

Just as we are saved by grace, let us love by grace.  And that not just towards God, the lover of our own souls, but towards mankind, who makes it that much more difficult to love with a love that is more than love, to not-so-unintentionally quote Poe.   

That is all for today.  I am sleepy, and my eye has been feeling tender for a few days now.  I don't know what's wrong with it.  Finals week for seniors and next week is going to be crazy.  I am behind in many aspects of the word.  If I think about it, my heart does thing it only remembers doing far-and-away ago when I liked a boy.  (Freedom is nice.)  And this is definitely not that kind of situation.  

I realized today that I really don't like any shape that has more than 4 sides.  They just complicate the matter.  Leave me with my triangles.  

An experiment in thumbnails. 

Isn't it curious that when you slide, you can only slide down?  

I love Physics.  Not that I'm very good at it, but I love the concept of it.  Science and math in general thrill me because it's a direct study of God's handiwork. A non-subjective look at the object lessons He's left behind for us. Triangles are of particular significance to me. Don't talk romance and roses; just talk to me about perpendicular bisectors in a triangle. You think I jest. Geometry rules. 

You have no idea how much I enjoy looking at that picture above.  (Count THREE perpendicular bisectors. Wow.  Circles and radii and arcs...  I'm in math heaven.) The only thing missing from this diagram are some numbers (Although I'm pretty sure I can figure out all of the angles and arcs, at least.)  The avenues of answers you can garner from this picture is astounding.  I feel like I am handling the wisdom of God and it's awesome. I want to be one of those people who can look at a water spout and be able to calculate its curve.  (It's a downward opening parabola.)  Yeah, I understand that this makes me sound like a nerd. Emphasis on that word.  I really wish I can be better friends with math.  

Back to sliding.  Sure, I can talk about kinetic energy and gravity and acceleration (maybe), but let's be practical. Have you ever slid up a hill?  

I am not unfamiliar with the Christian struggle. A part of me wishes that I could've died after my conversion, having tasted the full goodness of God, and having been fully aflame for Him.  (This is not the greatest post-mother's day post.  Happy Mother's Day, mom.  No, I don't mean this in the sense that I wish I were never alive.  Thanks for giving birth to me.  (Yes, this is a parenthetical parenthesis to say that my mom doesn't read my blog.))  Sometimes I wish I didn't have to experience the heartache of letting people down.  God. My friends. My students. Myself. Everyone. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to experience failure.  Nobody likes failure.  Especially when important things are on the line.  Like eternal futures.  Who wants to epic fail on that?  (Especially if it's not your own?)  It's not pretty.

Sure, you can argue that life isn't the Olympics. But perhaps it's more than that. Perhaps there is more at stake here than some metal plating or alloy that you hang around your neck (and get paid some loot for.)  Even Paul says, "run, so that you may win." (1 Corinthians 9:24)  Perhaps our own inability to run with patience and endurance is causing others to stumble as well... humanity is a tangled web and our decisions do impact the world around us. 

And so we slide.  I often compare being a Christian to climbing a mountain.  The air is thin up there.  It's rough.  They say when you climb Everest, you get to an altitude where breathing feels like you're trying to inhale through a straw.  Add a few scores of weight to your back and your perpetual stairclimber set to 'torture' and you've got recipe for a whole ton of people backing out fast.  Oh, and it's -70 degrees.  (If that ain't 'strait and narrow' I don't know what is.) 

Sometimes, making it up the hill (and not sliding) means you keep moving.  Sometimes it means setting up camp and holding tight until the storms pass. Sometimes it means using ropes and poles and sharp sticks.  It always requires the proper equipment.  Sliding is heartbreaking.  It might've taken you 20 minutes to climb what you've slid down in a minute flat.  It's gravity's demand on your body.  And technically, you are at its mercy.  

So let us likewise put on the whole armor of God.  Get on them spikey shoes.  Learn how to breathe through a straw.  Don't be surprised when the way gets rough.  Don't be surprised when you slide, it's downward.  It's easier to go with the nature of things, and the work gets undone fast.  But more importantly, don't be surprised if your guide still wants to get to the top.  

I hear the view is awesome.  it's worth getting back up. "For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes."  Proverbs 24:16

<insert your perfect view of Heaven. It's closer than you think. The Kingdom of God is at hand.>

or, Sinning Vicariously

I know, I know.  Korean soaps are crack.  I tell people this all the time.  Once you start, it's almost impossible to stop.  It's addicting, and it drains the brain.  I have to confess at this point that I saw a few episodes of a long-past series (no, I won't tell you which one) and I come away with the same point, as usual.  The same reason I always chose not to watch these flicks, along with the dozens of chick-flick, girl-power, romantic-comedy, girl-meets-idiot-boy, cheap and superficial movies: they reinforce the same idea over and over again.  Life is a movie, there is a hero/heroine, everybody knows their lines, and the most important point of all: 

Men are dirty rotten scoundrels. 

There.  I said it.  The matter of whether or not this is true is a different statement altogether.  Also, it being in the gray area past my bedtime and the "hour of no return" has no bearing on this subject.  

But really, why is it that the function of men (and women, for that matter) has so degraded?  I'm sure it's not just in the cinemas; "art imitating life" and all.  Women are no less to blame.  We too, are dirty rotten scoundrels.  Scoundrel, for those of you who are interested, means an evil person whose vile actions are not only cruel but often deliberate or intentional.  

Is there anyone there who will throw the first stone?

Evil has made us all deliberate and intentional malefactors.  I am not even sure I can point my finger at the prince of evil himself (he who deserves no capitals in the proper noun of evil.)  How far have we gone that we don't miss the absence of goodness in our life?  That our every day wickedness fails to turn our stomachs, or make us avert our eyes?  How is it that the phrase 'dirty rotten scoundrel' doesn't really sound so out of place?  Familiar, even?  Does anyone want to protest?  (OK, so it's a well-known musical and film.)

Where have we come to?

Entertainment for the most part is a glorification of the dysfunctions of life.  We find joy in other people's miseries, not because they are particularly amusing, but perhaps because they are somewhat relatable, if not alluring.  We've become better at empathizing from afar, and commiserating with strangers on a screen has become easier than resolving life with the ones we share spaces with.  And I'm not talking the space bar.  Instead of just living vicariously, we have looked to sinning vicariously.  How crazy is that?

Since when did broken relationships become so standard?  How did broken hearts and illicit affairs and indecent fraternizations become conventional? And why, for all that is meaningful in life, do we find so much enjoyment in that?  Why is it "relaxing" to "turn ourselves off" sometimes?  And why is the off button in the land in which we don't live in real life?  Why is it that we need to escape?

We must be dirty rotten scoundrels. 

We are liars, and cheaters, and thieves.  We lie about our affections, and give what is not ours to distribute.  And this is the 21st Century.  Not much has changed in the past few years.  As it's been said, "times have not become more violent; they've just become more televised."  (Marilyn Manson.)  And it's not only become more televised, it's become more in demand on television.  

Dysfunction is fascinating.  I think we are ceaselessly intrigued at this anomaly that is evil.  It's like a virus that is killing us and entertaining us at the same time.  I think as humans we desire mutuality, and unity, and sympathy.  What evil has violated this once perfect world?  What fascination that still grips us...  we all want to be told that it's ok.  That we are not abnormal.  That everyone. does. that. 

But not all.  My idealist side (it refuses to die...  I've tried, really) wants to see the goodness, the trust, the supernatural affection.  I lean towards the peaceful, the hopeful, the wonderful.  I can't wait for the time when the craving of my soul is filled, and the small taste of goodness I can detect in the world becomes an all-out banquet table.  

No, we are not dirty rotten scoundrels.  We have been washed in the waters of the murky Jordan, and we have come out clean.  The mystery of peace in this world is something I want to revel in for the rest of my life.  I say revel because I have tasted it, experienced it, loved it.  I say it because the answers I have found, although not clean and crisp, and arrangeable in Excel spreadsheets, have proven much more stable than the answers that I used to think were clean and crisp. I've analyzed data.  Read the books.  Made spreadsheets and grant proposals and scientific inquiries.  But I choose this.  Because this is where the answers were. 

Imagine that.  Imagine living vicariously instead of dying.  Imaging knowing instead of wondering.  Imagine peace instead of doubt.  Imagine a life where we are not dirty, or rotten, or in any other stage of decomposition.  Imagine being the sons and daughters of the King.  

*with edits

I want to be there when Jesus gives Daniel a Bible Study on his own book.    There are a few things I'd like cleared up, but mostly I just want to see Daniel's face as he understands the things he wrote in the context of the real end of the world.  I want to be there, and I want certain others to be there so they can say, "Yeah! I was there when that happened!"  How cool would that be?

Recently (last month), a computer game retailer modified its online contract to include the "immortal soul" clause in which customers grant the company the right to claim their soul.  (Click here for the link.)

"By placing an order via this website on the first day of the fourth month of the year 2010 Anno Domini, you agree to grant Us a non transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul. Should We wish to exercise this option, you agree to surrender your immortal soul, and any claim you may have on it, within 5 (five) working days of receiving written notification from gamesation.co.uk or one of its duly authorised minions."

They also include that "we reserve the right to serve such notice in 6 (six) foot high letters of fire, however we can accept no liability for any loss or damage caused by such an act. If you a) do not believe you have an immortal soul, b) have already given it to another party, or c) do not wish to grant Us such a license, please click the link below to nullify this sub-clause and proceed with your transaction."

Matthew 16:26: "For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?"

What is it, really, that we are giving up on a day-to-day basis?  Sometimes, as in the case of online contracts, these exchanges are made in small-print deals.  In any case, there is a pricetag on some decisions that, if we knew of it, we would never fork over that 'yes.' 

or, Down With School! (Part II)

Voting is still up. Click and vote 'yes'! I promise I'll stop shamelessly promoting this stupid idea. As Augustine once said, "Help me to be pure, but not yet." So judge me for thinking I can make a change in the machine of the blog. Go ahead. It's ok.

I've been thinking about learning, thanks to the resurgence of the 'unschooling' movement I talked about in my previous post. And as things would have it, something happened in class that really reminded me that something needs to change.

One of the classes I teach in my school is College Psychology, which is one of a number of classes the academy can offer to High Schoolers wanting college credit (which is awarded by a local University.) I really try to do my best to be a good, fair, and engaging teacher, and I love what I do immensely. It's my third year teaching this course, and I have a lot of improvements I still want to make, and I admire those teachers who really have that "thing." You know, the teachers who are not only "natural teachers" but who are also skilled at their job. I am fortunate to have at my school at least one such teacher. If I could collaborate with her more often, that would be awesome, but unfortunately, it's near impossible to do that sort of thing. I will call her Mrs. P.

So I was introducing the unit on Abnormal Behavior, and we were talking about the models of ancient times. I mentioned the name "Hammurabi" and immediately, a lightbulb went off. "Oh yeah! We learned about him in Mrs. P's World History class!" some of them said happily. I was glad to integrate this information, and let them get excited. I also wanted to affirm retained knowledge, and encouraged them to share what they remembered. I wanted to support my fellow teachers and continue what they started. I wanted them to remember. I wanted them to learn.

So I let them talk:

"Mrs. P even made a song about him, and we all sung it!"
"Yeah! I remember! It went like.... uh... how did it go?"
"It was to some tune... one of Aerosmith's songs. "

At this point, I realized that some minor intervention was needed: "Ok, so what was the song about?"

One kid raised his hand. "Hammurabi has this code... he was the first..."

"Oh yeah! His code!"
"The song went something like, 'Hammurabi something something something code something something...'"

Others chimed in. (Please be advised that the attempt to sing the song was nothing but an up-and-down changing of the voice, accompanied by head-nodding to a beat that resembled no known song, especially nothing Aerosmith. I am tempted to call it a modified monotone.)

At this point, other students became bolder. "Uh... something something something something...."

I broke in. "Do you guys know any of the lyrics?"

"Uh..."

"Do you guys even know the SONG she put it to?"

"Yeah! Uh... something something..." They were only sure it was Aerosmith. I thought of Steven Tyler and the Bad Boys from Boston, sitting in the corner, crying with me. *Really! Think Steven Tyler's huge downturned mouth.

I was desperate. Continue reading →

Voting is still up. Please help me want to stay with Xanga!

And no, I don't mean down with MY school. I love my job, remember? Yessirree Bob, I do.

Anyway, ABC News has come under fire lately for being extremely biased against a poor set of parents who have decided to pull their students out of school. Their kids are at home, and apparently ABC has made them look like bad and neglectful parents who are teaching their children to be vagrants, although they did not use that exact word.

These parents keep their children home from school, but they are not homeschooling. In fact, the term that these parents have chosen to describe themselves is "radical un-schoolers."

To put it as fairly as possible, this means that the children as not "schooled" in any typical manner whatsoever. Although I suspect that this does not eliminate any sort of education whatsoever, what it does mean is that there are no textbooks, no schedules, no rules, and no discipline. Serious. This is how the parent describes it: "There is no hierarchy in our house, so there is no punishment, no judgment, no discipline. They get what they want for breakfast and eat whatever they want. It's all a matter of what feels right to them." The books are available (or not; they don't specify), but if the kid would rather watch TV and eat donuts all day, there is no consequence other than the natural one.

I've kept silent about this for a long time because I wanted to mull this over. At first, I was upset. The parents are doing their children a disservice. Ultimately, when the kid wakes up in his/her own vomit in the basement of his/her parents' house, hung over and jobless, they will realize they had been robbed...

Apparently, this is legal in Massachusetts. (The unschooling part. Throwing up in your parents' basement is ok in many places, with some assumptions in place. Like the understanding that they know you're there and you're not robbing the place.)

I'm still a little upset about this, but apparently there are situations in which it works. I read of one un-schooler who decided to enroll back into High School after being unschooled for a while. Apparently, (according to the parent) long division and such can be learned in two weeks (versus months in grade school.) Sure, the kid flunked out, but he's in college now (somehow) and is doing great (so far... not to be pessimistic, but the future hasn't quite started yet, 'na mean?).

I've thought about this some, and the basic questions I've parsed it down to is this:

(a) (General) Who's in charge of education? Are we really intrinsic learners who can navigate to what we want to learn, or are we meant to be dependent on a system (which, interestingly, is broken) to guide us? (Me-based versus standards-based?)
(b) (Practical) Does this work for ALL children? What about future doctors? Lawyers? Other profession-that-needs-a-whole-lot-of-schooling-and-competition-ers? What about kids with ADD/ADHD? Learning Disabilities? ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)?
(c) (This is in the theistic mindset) If we are left to do as we please, will we really desire good?
(d) Is school really a big bad institution? Should we line up like Pink Floyd's children and sing "We don't need no education"? (Don't ask me how I know about this.)

I've realized that there is one thing that has kept me from becoming unhinged about this. This is the one thing I agree with these 'radical un-schoolers': the educational system is broken. It is! We introduce children to languages when they're in high school, EXACTLY at the point where the window of opportunity to learn them efficiently closes (it's at puberty.) We cram Algebra I, II, Geometry, PreCal, and etc into a bloated curriculum and adopt a sink-or-swim attitude to teaching. We teach literature without application, PE with bullying and embarrassment, and teach everyone to compartmentalize everything. (What? Why are we doing MATH in English Class?!)

But and if the world is truly a one built and run by God... we have to understand the true character of education. Life is not compartmentalized into neat groups. Life should be interesting. We should learn what we want. We can't continue to think that conformity to the routine will produce neat leggo-block perfection all the time.

Anyway, this is a pretty hurried post, but lend me your two cents and mebbe we can pool it together and get something yummy.

References:
The original ABC news Segment about unschooling
The followup ABC News segment
The example of the unschool Success cited above
Radical Unschooling Page
A less radical webpage about unschooling (FAQ page)

I've created a new site over at wordpress, and it's actually ready to go. I'm still a little torn about this; I like Xanga. But nonetheless, I think Xanga can do better than blogspot, which I think also uses them stupid headers (don't know if that translates to purchased domains. I also hear there's been an ongoing exodus from blogspot.) My last entry was a rant about this, and I won't rehash. But if you can, click here and vote yes. I will love you for it. Really! (Friends who already left xanga, you do remember your sign-ins, right?) hehe. And if you've voted already, thanks. From the bottom of my heart. (I mean it; I'm very emotional right now. It's rare, so please take it as a treasure--that's how I'm giving it.)

I took a staycation this break. It's our last break before heading into May Madness... that's my term for it because it is truly madness. Junior/Senior Banquet (that is the best equivalent to the "prom" I guess) which I'm co-sponsor for. Senior Finals (they get theirs earlier). Rest-of-the-school finals. Talent-show-esque showcase. Graduation prep and set up. Three day ordeal that is our graduation (don't ask). Graduates' parent lunch set up and host (as Junior class co-sponsor). Graduation tear-down and clean up. My seniors leave me (ok, not for good most of the time, but it's still heartbreaking). And then post session (one week or so of largely inefficient meetings.) I actually like meetings, but not if they're 5 hours long talking about inefficient things inefficiently and I don't have a say in anything. I hate those.

Each one of those is just knee-bendingly agonizing. And then throw in the normal routines of teaching, prepping, supervising (weekend and weekday) and dealing with personal life issues, and you've got recipe for an asylum application. I don't know of any reason I can do this other than the fact that I love these kids.

I probably should've gone to NY or MA. Feeling like I'm on break is just as good as being on break, and I didn't feel like I was on break. Sure, I got a whole lot of things done: laundry (4 loads?), groceries (badly needed), lunch w friends (that was nice), writing some more, creating new blogs... sleeping. Ah! Sleep was nice.

It has just started to downpour. I am glad to be home.

I also saw "End of the Spear" which is a movie I've been wanting to see for a while. I did not expect to be so touched. The gospel is a beautiful one, and it made me love it all the more. Lately, I've been thinking about what it means to love God, and someday I will share... but truly, greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. I wept through parts of it, but again, this is an emotional week (I'll let your surmise why.)

Ultimately, God is larger than my needs, larger than this little town in which I've decided to staycate, larger than my own insecurities, and the failures of society. His laws are everlasting, and His calling eternal. It is the narrow gate, and often as I try to push the treasures laden in my outstretched arms through it, I realize something has to give. And I know it will all be worth it, but something has to give.

< edit > I guess, then, that there are bigger fish to fry than that annoying top toolbar which just gets in the way. Sigh.

Man, I love Xanga.  The community I've built here is quite awesome.  But lately, I've been reconsidering.  Am I just settling?  Do I love Xanga like a dog loves the owner that maltreats it because it doesn't know anything else?

1. The stupid top toolbar.   I've already harped on Xanga about this.  If you want to help, harp with me.    I don't pay for anything at WordPress, and yet they leave me a clear, no-top-toolbar (on the public site) and a simple "Blog at WordPress" in italics at the bottom.  At Xanga, we have this toolbar that they've coded so as to not let the links be the same color as the background.  Their xanga banner is prominent at the top right corner.  They've arranged html so as not to delete it.  They have a bottom toolbar.  They have a side panel that asks the same questions (blog? subscribe? join xanga? please? join xanga? please?)

I'd appreciate it if you helped by clicking here http://www.xanga.com/ideas/1755/getridofthetoptoolbar.html# and voting for the issue.  It takes a literal minute.  Let's be a community organizer!  

John F. Kennedy, Jr. died in a plane crash on July 16, 1999. It was a Friday evening, after sunset. While millions of diligent Jewish mothers were pulling Challah loaves out of warm prelit ovens, the son of a president was dying.*

The flight data recorders and the National Transportation Safety Board later revealed some strange maneuvering on part of Kennedy. Before the final crash a few miles outside of the destination of Martha's Vineyard, the 29-year-old pilot was making series of banks to the left and right, was increasing and decreasing in altitude, and was speeding up and slowing down in a manner that seemed random and irrational. All this preceded a steep drop in altitude which led to the crash which killed him, his wife, and his sister-in-law. The final word was that the probable cause was pilot error and spatial disorientation.

According to technicians, the key to flying a plane is to keep the wings level. (Astounding, I know.) When planes bank (this means they drop one wing and roll to turn), they lose some of their lift, and if this isn't accounted for, the angle of the bank increases, the plane turns down, and descends into a downward spiraling corkscrew. This is what pilots call the graveyard spiral... typically, in your 747s, pilots compensate for banks and such, so there's no spirals happening there, don't worry.

The problem seemed to be that Kennedy was an inexperienced pilot flying at night. In the daytime, the only thing you have to do to make sure your wings are ok is to look out into the horizon. Your eyes, vestibular system (the fluid in your inner ears), and whatnot will help keep the plane level.

When the horizon disappears, you've got.... well, the machinery and your inner ears.

But when you're spiral turning like that, your ears aren't telling you anything. I guess you can think of it like spinning a bucket of water really fast on a rope. Everyone around knows you're spinning the bucket, but the water inside remains perfectly level, assuming you're spinning it fast enough. It's not an illusion; it's just physics. So apparently, it's hard to notice that you're in a graveyard spiral if you have your eyes closed. Or you're in complete darkness.

They say that Kennedy's plane started spiraling down at a decent of 900 fpm, at which another turn was attempted, which tightened the spiral and resulted in a descent of 4700 fmp. Yes, that stands for feet per minute. And yes, it's possible to fall that fast in a spiral and not notice. Hence, "disorientation."

I've been thinking about nosedives. The spiritual faceplant. Continue reading →

So I inhaled activated charcoal today. I'm pretty sure it wasn't meant for that purpose, nor did I do it on purpose.... and had it not been so HILARIOUS, I would've chalked that down as misery. Especially considering that I looked like a coal miner for a little bit. I love my students. (They had nothing to do with causing this. But I know they love me because they were so helpful in helping me clean the mess without making me feel like an idiot about it.) I'm still laughing about it.

Anyway. Besides the fact that we had to be in SCHOOL on a weekend, things went pretty well.

Until.

We say, The Lord is never done with us, with the slight hope that He is perhaps MORE done with us than let's say with anyone else, or maybe better put, that maybe He would put off being 'never done with us' for just a little bit while you're taking to others about Him not being done with them.

I was discussing some things with said Him as I walked home, and I found myself saying out loud, "I can't! It's too difficult... it's too difficult..." How is it possible that He is asking me to do more that I already am? To change? And to do the impossible: to love everyone as He loved them? I can't! And perhaps more sadly, I won't! I don't want to!

Isn't that silly? Continue reading →