Blessed day today.  I am full.  Full of His grace and providence towards me.  This is my job and I love it. 

I feel as though I’ve finally found my calling…  my life work.  I’m complete and I’m completely content.  I’m doing what I love, am constantly being challenged, rebuked, put down, and cast away, but I am not discouraged.  I am poor, but enjoy making others rich.  Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.  Having nothing, yet posessing all things.  Dying, yet behold, I live… 

It’s not the school.  It's not the new boy's dorm or the monthly paycheck.  It's certainly not Virginia.  It's not the principal or the faculty.  it’s not even the kids (whom I love dearly.)  if I were to have to leave for some reason, I would not be devastated as long as I can remain in this field.  My hand is on the plow and I am not turning back.  There is no turning back.  I do admit however, that this school has been good for me.   

I am learning a lot.  About prayer (intercessory), personal growth, evangelism (Christ's method), and love.  It's a tough learning but I can hear God calling me higher, and it's almost this tangible feeling of stepping up to a different ground.  It's definitely not been easy.  I'm learning how to be a part of a community, how not to be a Bible Study leader.  I didn't realize this was something needful of learning.  Some things I'm finding it difficult to talk to anyone about.  Sensitive subjects which it seems that only those versed in theology can handle with care.  There is one here.  It's all I need.  One.  He however, is obsessed with covenants and has trouble speaking about much else.

In other news, I am studying the life of Samuel again.  When Saul was weak in His own eyes, God made him a King.  This is the same case for many others that Christ calls.  He looks for the willing, not for the able.  He calls those who will cast themselves on Him in helpless dependence, not so much those who will forge the path.  More on the book of Samuel later.   

But I’ve seen this in my own life…  I wait for the “jump start” from God and want to start running on my own.  I still remember this song I heard once, where the man thanked the plane for getting him started in the air and walks off midflight thinking he can continue soaring on his own.  This is not the case.  I don't want that to happen here.  So I cling to Him.  Every day.  Can't trust myself, and once I do, I always slip.  This is the truth. 

I had a long talk with A.M. today.  I mean long.  I popped in there to help him with his Bible project (which is supposedly overdue), and ended up preaching to him about the Heavenly Sanctuary for about an hour (would you believe me if I told you time flew for both of us?)  I drew the map of the sanctuary on the back of my attendance sheet and made him look up Bible verses online.  We talked about the Bread of Life and the Light of the World.  We talked about object lessons and what it means to eat.  We talked about tasting (introduced him to the verse: O taste and see that the Lord is good...)  I was enriched by it. 

I pray that I got through to him.  I've been praying for him recently and been working hard to get through to him...  He's been a difficult one to crack through.  I thought I saw lights go off in his head but I'm learning to be skeptical about facial and verbal responses.  ("Show me the money!!!")  I'm going to keep praying for him and see what opportunities come up. 

I also talked semi-seriously with A.S.  (I say semi- because outwardly it was fun, relaxing, and open, but there was a HUGE and BEAUTIFUL undercurrent.)  He had a look in his eye I’ve never seen before.  Receptive.  I preached to him too.  Gave him a teaser about my testimony.  I could tell I connected with him on some really crucial levels.  We're going to talk more this week.   I love these kids. 

I love my job.

I love the opportunities I get to witness to them and wax theological and love the way I can talk so openly about what I love best in my life. 

I am happy.  I am blessed.  I am still pressing upward.  I know it's often a rare gift that a person gets to enjoy their job this much.  I love it.  This kind of love demands to be shared. 

 I write this because I need to remember these days and because I want to share that it is indeed possible.  It is possible.  It is possible.

All things are possible.  I'm not sure why I made this so personal...  perhaps this is one of those entries which will quickly hide itself.  In any case, God is good.  He will take care of you.   

Do you believe...?

After battling a pending sickness yesterday, my body has successfully staved off disease.  Blessed for that; I seriously can NOT afford to get sick.  I think I'd wonder what my kids were doing the whole time...  sigh.  (This in itself may be diagnosable, perhaps.) 

In the news today: John McCain blinks a lot.  "Stagflations."  Texas.  Integrity.

Which reminds me.  There's a bulletin board up in our school that says "Integrety is you are when no one's looking."  It bothers me and I've considered going at it with a pair of scissors.  (They're capital letters so it might work.)

Today was better.  (Relative to yesterday when I was feeling sickness coming.)  I'm getting myself to eat lunch nowadays which helps.  I made myself some JUMMY dinner which is lasting me a few days.  It was an experiment but one worth making. 

It wasn't a good day for many others, however.  The school was "off" today... 

I'm covering worldviews and philosophical foundations in my Psychology class.  The kids are silent.  I'm asking some tough questions and I'm not quite positive if the silence is because they're getting it or because they're not.  I know at least three of them are in the former category and I'll take what I can get. 

We shared some "bad day" stories in the Registrar's office today.  Made me remember how much work goes into this school.  I'd call it a machine, but it's really a hunk of living soul: blood, guts, and all.  A lot of love, a lot of sweat, and a lot of tears fall into this thing and it's a privilege to be a part of it. 

A lot of prayers have come out from my lips to God these past few months, and I've almost forgotten that God also has His eye on the other sparrows here...  makes me love Him all the more.  He sustains me; His grace is sufficient for me, but also sufficient for the staff in this school, and for the people of this world... 

In any case, it's good to know that I am not alone: not alone in having days of frustration, not alone in days of battling with certain personalities, not alone in thought and theology, not alone in being a minority, not alone in working hard for this school, and blessedly not alone in being loved and cared for by God. 

He has not forsaken us.  He has not left us alone.  He has given us comfort, and a comforter.  We are not alone.  We are never alone. 

Do you believe...?

I found this in my journal dated about a year and a month ago.  Funny.  I'm looking through my journal which can only mean one of a few things: a) I am feeling reflective and pensive  b) I am avoiding sleep  c) all of the above.

In any case, here it is.  Unrevised, as of yet.  Raw.  Unpolished.  I am practicing imperfection.

All Roads Lead to Rome
(Tutte le strade portano a Roma)

All roads lead to Rome

And I am on a Romish path

Cobblestoned, however, and in
Michigan, of all places.

I don't want to go to Rome.

And yet this winding road

Keeps drawing me 

Like the needle of a compass

Moths to a flame

And the poles of a magnet

To Rome.

I don't want to go to Rome.

I want to go to Jerusalem,

Cities of peace, or love, or at least

History.  I want to see the sky in Greece

Or the feel the crash of Oceans colliding

I want to walk the less trodden path, and

Sing the harder tune, the

Six-part harmonies and the hanging

Fermatas...  I want to go to
Bethlehem, Judea, Galilee, Damascus,
Bethesda, Samaria, even. 

I want to stop hating the things I hate,

Loving the things I love, and stop

Walking on this wretched road
And turn off someplace and go

Anywhere but Rome.

--

Romans 7:24-25

02.25.08. 

Still don't want to go to Rome.  Tired today and it's just a Monday!  Good day though.  Love these kids.  So much.  Need to keep my head on straight.  God is good.  Pray for me.  I need all the strength and wisdom I can get.  Doing a tough unit in my class: worldviews and philosophy.  It'll be amazing if I let it be.  If you would, please pray for me.  -js

Justin Timberlake might have his own agenda, but I'm attempting to bring love back. 

Tired of the lame-o "luvs" and "love u"'s that are like pulling punches when it comes to expressing yourself.  If you's a-gonna say it, you might as well say it right, and if you don't mean it, you shouldn't be saying it to begin with.  "I love you."  Not so hard, is it? 

Sigh.

Had a good day at school today.  Never happier that it's Friday.  Exhausted myself this week.  I think I was in at least 12 hours every day (except today) this week.  Wednesday ended up being a 15 hour day.  (Yowzas.)  But my kids give me an energy boost that can't be bottled and mass-produced or taken on an as-needed basis.  And every day, there's something new.  That's what I love about working with kids.  Always on your toes...

I have a whiteboard behind my desk in my office.  I put up one Bible verse which I usually need to comfort me, remind me of what's up, and to encourage me when I'm feeling like I'm struggling against the tide.  I have three up there this week.  Whew.  The students use this board otherwise to scribble notes to me.  It's quite endearing.  Like I said, I love them.  I hear it in my own voice when I speak of them.  They are amazing and are doing amazing things to me. 

I love my job.  Talking to kids about Christ in the middle of tutoring Algebra...  helping them with a 'boring' Bible worksheet and letting myself wax elaborate on the beauties and nuances of scripture...  and seeing that these kids know and appreciate my concern for their souls...

To quote Michelle Obama, "For the first time in my adult life..."  I'm excited about this Presidential race in a way that made me vote in the Primaries for the first time.  According to my sister, the Chinese voo-doo magic dragon thing predicts that Obama will win.  Whether it's the democratic ticket or the presidency, though, I'm not sure.  Apparently, details are a little sketchy.

Today my worker sat down across from me and in all seriousness (it's hard to do this sometimes) told me that he was worried that I was going to burn out.  The fact that my students think about this and care really struck me...  I am amazed and touched and told him I appreciated this concern...  and I did.  His parents are teachers and apparently he's seen it before.  He also knows what goes on in my office more than anyone else in this school does.  (This is why I love this kid.)   

And I grudgingly admit that he's not altogether wrong, although I am still adamant that I am and will be just fine.  The basic reality that I can afford to do this and I do in fact have the energy to do so carries more weight than you'd think.  (Am I sounding defensive?  )  So I'm doing it.  It's all I know how to do.  Work hard and put my shoulder into it...  I wouldn't enjoy it any other way.  I can afford to do it and I'll do it until I do indeed burn out if that's the way it's going to be.  But don't tell me I can't do it...  (And yes, I was this honest with my student, as I am to all my students.  Sometimes I believe I am too honest.) 

The force of love and passion is quite underestimated.  When I come home from my often 10-hour days, I am not burnt out or tired or drained.  In fact I am sitting here with a goofy smile on my face because even though I have a billion things to do tomorrow and this week and even though I know with tomorrow's staff meeting I'll have another 12+ hour day, I am happy and even excited to go back to work.  (I might even get to teach Bible next year!) 

Homeleaves always seem to come at the right time, which also helps a lot.  Almost exactly 3 weeks until the next long spring break. 

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. -Isaiah 40:31

Thank You for those who I know are praying for me...  God is so good and He is doing His marvelous work in this world and in my small life.  And since I know better than to ignore the advice of the masses, I will be careful.  But seriously.  I'm ok.  I'm more than ok.  I'm good.    I even had a student who never talks to anyone come into my office (by himself) just to chat.  I've had the impression that he wants to impress me and I've been waiting for him to finally make a move.  Please pray for me as I interact with him...  he's going to be a tough one.  

..but a lot comes back in

Thankful for these kids today.  Oh man I'm thankful for them.  Had a long (wait, it was actually a looOooOOOooOOong) conversation with a few of them today.  Some of them are getting much more comfortable sitting around in my office just to chat.  This is great except when I have tons of prep to do.  Faculty come in to vent too.  And since I always put aside my own work to hear whatever they have to say, sometimes I have to crunch to get things done.  In any case, I try to get them not to gossip...  to me, or anyone else.  It's near impossible.  Near.  But this is all fun for me.  My body just has to keep up. 

Been thinking again. 

"My thoughts are not your thoughts; neither are my ways your ways, saith the LORD.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:8f

This verse again.  (One of those precious ones.) 

And truly, His ways are better than mine.  When I shared this devotion with my class, I linked it with Proverbs 14:12 (and 16:25, which incidentally are the same): "There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death." 

These little devotions save my life.  It's the slice of time I get to pour out myself in a 5 minute (more than once, however, my devotions took over the class and left me 8 minutes of lecture time.) 

His ways are better. Higher.  No matter how much I believe in what "seemeth right" to me...  and if it seems right, sometimes we fight for it,don't we?  Demand it.  Feel justified in it.  What seems right to me just might end up leading me right down the road to a place where the sun don't shine... 

Christ is asking for trust, submission, and an understanding of His role and ours.  I'm happy to concede this point.  Sometimes I wish I'd known earlier. 

In any case.  happy today.  Attempting to sleep earlier. 

g'night. 

And yes, there is hope for you... 

And Behold! we live.

A rare email post right in the middle of the work day:

Yes, it is a rare thing. But a rare thing happened a few moments ago and I just had to share it... God is so good and His wisdom and guidance and watch care over me is perfect.

I can only remember being brought to tears out of sheer surprise, joy,and gratitude once in my life (in public.) It is a memory I will never forget, and this is the only time something came even close to that moment. I was in the middle of a class and the VP of our school walked into my office which is adjacent to my class. My students were currently taking a quiz so I stepped into my office with some dread in my heart because she had a small scowl on her face, and because I am rarely interrupted mid-class. But the news she shared with me filled me up and the tears in both our eyes expressed a feeling that is more than I dare to let words describe.

I'm not certain why it brought me such joy. Perhaps it is only in proportion to the discouragement I was feeling. I'm not certain what will become of this, or what it will mean in the long run. I'm not sure what God will make of this, or what plans are in the works. But I know there was prayer behind it, and I was starting to become helplessly discouraged to the point where I wasn't sure I could see past this tunnel I was going through... and suddenly, here comes the sun, and the blue skies, and the breath of cool, clear air. I'm too much of a skeptic to allow myself to believe that things are going to be perfect (and I know they won't) but this is a challenge I'm happy to deal with.  I'm still utterly confused, surprised, befuddled, and knocked off my feet, but it is a joyful sort of thing, a kind that brings excitement and the slight smell of spring.

Thank you for your encouragement. Those of you who have reached out to me via email or other, my heart beats a hearty (it's a pun!) AMEN, and a resounding THANK YOU.

I know I am being vague. Like I said, someday I will share. Back to work. This time with a much lighter and grateful heart.

This passage has always encouraged me and I have loved it ever since my first encounter with it.

"But in all things approving ourselves as the ministers of God, in much patience, in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses, In stripes, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labours, in watchings, in fastings; By pureness, by knowledge, by long suffering, by kindness, by the Holy Ghost, by love unfeigned. By the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armour of righteousness on the right hand and on the left, By honour and dishonour, by evil report and good report: as deceivers, and yet true; As unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and, behold, we live; as chastened, and not killed; As sorrowful, yet alway rejoicing; as poor,yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things."1 Cor 6:4ff

My freewill offering to the LORD.

Thankful for this, a place where I can pour out myself (or at least a little portion of myself) and find a small bit of relief.
 
I am spent today.  Spent like I haven’t been spent before (have I said that before?)  Tired.  Inside and out.  Up and about every minute of the day.  Hungry.  Head-achy.  Body-achy.  Even my sentences are fragmented.

I don’t know why I invest so much of myself emotionally in these kids.  I love them.  I don’t know why I love them.  But I love them.  Sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself I love them so much.  And I pour out myself for them every…  day…  I take the verse “With God, all things are possible,” literally, and I feel like I have a cord coming down from heaven carrying with it fountains of energy and spirit that taps into Heaven itself.  It's literally a limitless supply of strength.  I've found this cord very early in my out-and-out conversion and although I lose sight of it now and again, it is very dear to me. 

But today, I sit here and I am spent.  These are the days that distract my eyes from the steady gaze on that heavenly cord which sustains me...  but even today I feel strength in my heart.  It is not all gone.  There is something there which I can only describe as an anchor.  It is not me, because what I know of myself is holding on to that anchor like meat around a bone.  (Pleasant analogy for a vegetarian, I know.) 
 
Today I spent most of my day with a family…  it was tremendously exhausting and discouraging.  That’s it.  There was no hope or glory or restitution of any kind.  The kid was nice enough.  We got along well and he seemed to be able to adjust...  the parents were great, happy, and godly.  The discouraging parts I can’t share here…  I won’t share here.  I don’t think I can handle fleshing it out again.  At least not so soon.  But I do know that God helped me to reaffirm why I am here…  and regardless of whether or not this is the ideal place for me, I am doing His work and will continue to do my best. (Lord, even so, help me to do this...)  

Did I say there was no restitution?  Actually, there was.  (Isn't there always?)  Encouraging people, having earnest spiritual conversations, and guiding parents through difficult decisions is strangely thrilling to me.  It's partly the reason why I love parent-teacher conferences so much.  (To this day, I'm still the only one I know who really enjoys having these conferences, particularly with a potentially difficult parent.) 

I trudged home though..  Trudged.  My shoulders haven't been this tense in months.  I am starting to question everything.  Not in a dangerous way, but in a self-seeking kind of way.  It is time to challenge myself again.  A new level has revealed itself and it is time to step up.  The question of whether or not I am cut out for this comes up again and again and every time, it is answered with a consistent response: "Keep going."  

And so I keep. 

I did a Bible Study once about the meaning of faith as pertaining to patience.  Patience is really a tenacious kind of consistency: maintaining the course, the even temper, the steady hand and mind, in the face of...  well, anything.  In times of storm, this patience is anything but passive.  

Here is the patience of the saints.  Here are they that keep the commandments of God and the faith of Jesus.  We are keepers of the faith... 

Rise then, soldiers, rally round the banner,
Ready, steady, pass the word along,
Onward, forward, shout aloud Hosanna!
Christ is Captain of the mighty throng.

Strong to meet the foe, marching on we go...

...and on I go...  someday I will share what happened today...  it is my hope that my personal experiences can be of benefit to others, and the challenges and obstacles on my road of faith can be used to straighten the paths of others. 

But for now...  for now I sit and find my peace tonight. 

I spent Homeleave cleaning and reorganizing my study, my bedroom, and my office at school (oh, and my mind!)  The office part wasn't a choice but was long in coming and much needed.  I'm waiting for my vacuum to come in the mail (I researched hours and hours for this thing and it better be good...  I opted for a bagged upright over a bagless or a canister...) regardless of the outcome, my apartment is in desperate need of a nice solid vacuum job.) 

God is good. 

It's hard to convey electronically what I mean when I say that phrase, except that sometimes the most complicated, heart-rending, tongue-tying, breath-taking, mind-numbing expression of the soul can only be summed in these simple words.  It's intensely frustrating and sublimely fitting at the same time. 

And He is.  I'm humbled at my own presumption; at my own often dim outlook on life, the world, the people, the church, at God Himself.  I'm reminded that I am often more of a pessimist than I want to admit.  Is it possible to be a pessimistic, idealistic, realist?  Sure.  Sure.  In this age, one can be anything she desires.  In any case, God is teaching me to see not only outside the box, but inside and around the box (something I've ignored in my struggle to see outside of it?) 

In any case.  What I mean to say (as evasively as possible, as always) is that often I do not give God credit where credit is due, and most importantly, I do not give people credit for what God can (and has) done in their lives.  He's working on me.  (Got a story about that one too: CS Lewis-related, which is always good.)

Now that that is out, here is the story I've been musing over.  This whole tangent came because I am grateful for intellectual stimulation, especially via conversation.  I had one last night (with a peer, which is hard to find here, believe it or not, and about music, which I admitted to know very little about) and it was as if my mind took a huge breath of air which made me surprised at how much I missed it.  I guess convincing High Schoolers that Algebra can be interesting isn't mind-stimulating enough for me.  Also, I've rearranged my study and my devotional spot in my bedroom and I'm excited that I'm excited to study on my own again.  I'm brushing up on philosophy, theology, and worldviews so I can prepare to teach my students about some of this.  Exciting.     

Elie Wiesel talks about this guy who was lost in the woods.  There is danger at every corner, it is dark, and the man is alone and cannot find his way.  Suddenly, a storm comes.  (Worse piling upon worse?)  He notes that the fool looks up at the lightning, but the wise looks at the road, which now lies illuminated before him. 

I'm musing over what this means, and what the practical implications are.  Usually it comes quickly and I pound it out, but today...  I want to hear from you.  So all those who haven't abandoned the Xanga ship (and who made it past my babbling...  perhaps NO ONE)  what do you think?  What does the lightning symbolize?  Try to get deeper than the surface level ("trials and tribulation...") and give me thoughts about what kinds of things can illuminate a previously scary path...

What's worse than a spider on the wall?

...a spider on the wall that has disappeared because someone 'helpfully' tried to remove it, only to throw it somewhere across the room closer to the common area... 

It's supposed to be a long weekend (got Thursday, Friday, and half of Wednesday off) but it doesn't seem like I'm getting rest.  I've had some (not so good) things I've had to deal with lately, and it seems like every day more (not so good) news comes filtering through... 

I realize, however grudgingly, that I miss my students.  Not that I wish them back (not only do they need a break, I most certainly need one too, even from them.)  I still smile when I think of my classes and the relationships I've built with them.  In my heart I dread the day they will 'graduate' from my class. 

So here I am, opting for the action that has not once worked but nevertheless is something I always end up doing: staying up late in hopes of extending the day...  funny the things we do to try to manipulate these 24 hours...  I desperately need to prepare for my next (exciting) unit...  and I desperately need to get ready to test a new student who is coming in (homeschooled all his life)...  and I desperately need to put my office back together in time to do all this (they are painting.  It's a blessing I refuse to complain about)  and on top of it all I desperately need to rest.  But these are not mere choices but necessary things...  already got multiple phonecalls from two people during this break.  They must not know that the fact that I'm not going anywhere for break does not lead to the conclusion that I will not be taking a break. 

But I knew all of this when I signed up for this job...  right? 

Sigh. 

These kids are changing me, and revealing things to me, and forcing me to challenge myself...  and sometimes the force of character that I see in me is quite revolting.  Yes, that is a strong word, isn't it?  I've been pulled in ways I've never been pulled before, exposed to things and put in positions that look familiar but really are completely different...  sometimes I fear that the road is just too narrow...  and the possessions are too great... 

And through it all, He keeps me.  Encourages me.  Lifts me up.  I have a vision of what I want to do (absurd, as they always are) but it is what drives me... 

Having poor vision is often looked down upon, particularly if you have poor spiritual vision.  But there is a time when poor vision is a good thing, and that is when we are looking in the face of Jesus, and the whole rest of the world becomes so strangely dim...

May this be our experience. 

May this be my experience...  today, and every day.